


I love you too

by reading_fanfics_at_200am_hbu



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Grief/Mourning, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Not A Fix-It, OTP Feels, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:14:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27445453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reading_fanfics_at_200am_hbu/pseuds/reading_fanfics_at_200am_hbu
Summary: **SPOILERS** for all of s15e18Dean can't survive this. He knows he can't survive this. Because everything he's ever had to do, he knows his angel was watching over him. Until today.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 80





	I love you too

**Author's Note:**

> Here is Dean grieving for Cas. Because I can't cope and neither can he.
> 
> A one shot for now, but if yall want more I will deliver

Dean is dying.

That’s the only thing going through his head. He can’t survive this. The grip Billy had on his heart has ceased, but that only makes the new pain even stronger.

_ You changed me, Dean _

__ _ I love you. _

Tears well up in the hunter’s eyes as his best friend’s words replay over and over again. His phone rings, but he can’t bring himself to answer. It’s the end of the world, and he can’t pick up the damn phone. Instead, he curls in on himself, numbness spreading from the last place he felt Cas’s hand throughout his whole body. The buzzing of his phone ends, only to pick up again almost immediately. He checks the caller ID: Sam. With a deep breath to stop the tears, he answers the phone.

“Sammy?”

_ “Dean, they’re gone.” _ Dean just can’t bring himself to move, despite his brain wanting to.

“What do you mean?” Sam must have heard something in Dean’s voice, because the phone is silent for a beat.

_ “What happened?” _ He can’t say it.

“Who’s gone, Sam?” There’s a deep breath on the other side of the line, almost as though Dean isn’t the only one trying to keep restless tears at bay.

_ “Everyone. Bobby, Charlie, Donna… everyone. I thought Billy only wanted to take people who were resurrected, so why the hell did she take Donna?”  _ Dean shuts his eyes, the pain and irony of it all overwhelming him.

“It wasn’t Billy.” Silence. Then,

_ “What?” _

“It wasn’t Billy, Sam. It was Chuck. Billy’s dead.” Sam swore, and Dean rests his head against the wall, tears threatening to make a comeback.

_ “Are you and Cas okay?” _ He wants to scream. He knew the question was coming, but he just can’t say it.

“Come home, Sammy. Just… come home.” Sam tries to speak, but Dean hangs up. Holding his head in his hands, Dean finally lets go. Tears spill out like rain as he lets his emotions flood through him.

_ Because you cared, I cared. _

__ _ Happiness isn’t in the having. It’s in just being. It’s in just saying it. _

__ _ I love you. _

Dean doesn’t know how long he sits there, grief rolling through him like storm clouds, when he hears the door of the bunker slam open. Distantly, he hears Sam and Jack calling for him, but he doesn’t want to leave. He  _ can’t  _ leave. So, he waits. He doesn’t call out, he just waits for Sam to find him. And eventually, he does.

“Jack, he’s in here!” Jack makes an appearance behind Sam, and Dean wonders briefly how the kid will take it.

“Dean, what’s going on?” The nephilim says, and then: “Where’s Cas?” Dean’s face crumples and he puts his head back down. He can’t see their grief. It’ll be too much to bear.  _ This _ is too much to bear.

_ I love you. _

“Is… is he…” Sam sucks in a breath, and Dean can hear Jack start to cry.

“He gave himself up.” Dean’s voice sounds hollow to his ears, shaking from the sobs that threaten to tear his body apart. “I tried to stop him Sammy. I tried. But I couldn’t do it.” He dissolves, words beyond him. He feels Sam’s hand on his shoulder, and then lifting him up.

“Dean, look at me.” Dean raises his head to see the tear-streaked face of his brother. “I’m sure you did everything you could.”

“That’s just it. There was nothing I could do. He just went. The Empty took him.” He sees Jack’s head snap up.

“The Empty?” Jack’s voice sounds hollow, just like Dean’s. Dean nods, eyes back on the floor. He vaguely noticed that Sam’s hand is laying on Castiel’s bloody handprint, and Dean backs up so that Sam’s hand drops. Sam sees the handprint and understands.

“What made him happy?” Dean freezes. He hadn’t expected anyone to know about the deal.

“What do you mean, Jack?” Sam asked cautiously, and Jacks takes a shuddering breath before responding.

“When… I was saved from heaven, he made a deal with the Empty that it could take him. But only once he experienced true happiness.” his eyes lock onto Deans, “So what made him so happy?”

_ I love you _

“Me. He loved me. I made him happy. And telling me that… was enough.” Sam and Jack both look at Dean in shock, but Dean is done. All of a sudden, he finds that his legs work again, and with a strangled sob he runs from the room, leaving the rest of his family reeling.

Dean’s music blares through his headphones as he sits in his room. He removed his jacket when he got there and is now just sitting on the bed, looking at the handprint. There’s a pressure building inside of him, and it feels like he’s dying. No, scratch that. He’s died before, a couple of times. This is worse. The pressure reached a crescendo, and he’s on his feet, swinging at anything he can get his hand on. He smashes the mirror, the shelves. He even gets a few hits on the wall before his body crumbles and he falls. He rocks back and forth, and the pressure starts to take shape. It morphs into a thought, and then a sentence, and then he’s saying it,  _ screaming _ it, as though if he shouts loud enough Cas will hear it and wake up. He shouts until he’s hoarse and then some more.

_ I love you too. _

**Author's Note:**

> Pls leave comments and kudos to ease my suffering. Hope you liked!


End file.
